Onward, and Literally Upward: State-Of-Mind Is Everything.

So much time has passed, dreams formed and shifted. Now a reboot to reconsolidate my motives, dreams, and targets.
Bottom line is I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2003 or 05? Well it's on a huge document anyway. This consisted of a deep agoraphobia and social phobia, debilitating panic attacks and depression which made life quite intolerable save for dreams and experiences I was clutching on to.
The CBT was and is to this day, very helpful. 

Taming the beast: The fears to get organized and to the trailhead were very strong and I was exhausted by the time I got my gear into the car. I pushed myself, with my mind being really quite numb the whole two hour trip. But at the trail head after I got my pack out, the fear was overwhelming. All I could do was throw my gear back in the car and make a bee-line home. Another dream nipped in the bud. Another agonizing frustration and defeat. But as with successful completion of my two Montreal Half Marathons in memory, I pushed on, if temporarily in my dream goal.

I tried taking classical guitar lessons but after 4 of them, just couldn't stand being alone with another person in the room.

Just before the new year, seeing that I like to exercise this massive body I have, if even to avoid the muscle pains associated with my excessive lethargy and endless hours of sleep, I started watching mountaineering movies, climbing movies and reams of long distance hikers videos. I tried again to get active beginning to push myself out the door to go jogging, and cross country skiing, skate skiing and snowshoeing in my local wilderness. The two successful Montreal Half Marathons I did were gruelling but I completed them. I can only guess I was doing this to desensitize myself to the madness of it all.

I loved the mountains when I was a kid, loved backpacking and camping, the forest fragrances, all the different environments I walked through on these hikes and trips. It made all that biology I took as an undergrad so worthwhile.

So, I thought, if I do something seemingly pretty spooky, but knowing that there was solid protection in the learning process and the activity, and had confidence in my own strength, I enrolled in a sport rock climbing course. I can go, take the lesson meet as few people as possible, and make a bee-line outta there if need be. So, I passed the certification and now own the title of a accredited autonomous climber (top rope).  I start going a bit more often, meet some folks who don't mind belaying beginners and myself, have developed the confidence from the training to belay another climber. My next step is part II of the training called Movement I. If I can get rid of this agoraphobia and social phobia, especially in a secure environment, maybe, just maybe, I can hit the trail again, successfully next  time.  I should think it won't be nearly as creepy as climbing 40ft up a vertical wall from my sport climbing class.